A National Curveball—No Driver’s Seat Involvement
Just when we all thought American politics had maxed out on bizarre storylines, in swoops the news: TikTok is unbanned on the eve of Donald Trump’s fictional second inauguration—this time as a 34-time convicted felon. While cable news pundits scramble to figure out if such legal acrobatics are even constitutional, Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Education, Ryan Walters, is celebrating the app’s unbanning in his usual style: filming his TikTok monologues from the front seat of his car (while safely parked, of course).
“No one’s behind the wheel here—literally,” Walters might joke in one of his fresh uploads, making it clear he’s no risk on the road, but a definite risk to the ‘woke mob.’
Parked and Ready to Rant
Unlike the rumors that have swirled about Walters driving during his rants, we now have official sightings of him parked in a variety of safe locations:
- Outside the Oklahoma Department of Education building.
- Church parking lots after Sunday service.
- The driveway of a “friend of a friend,” where he insists he’s “just picking up some totally non-liberal reading materials.”
In these short videos, Walters rails against “the liberal left,” “indoctrination in our schools,” and “the war on real American values.” The interesting twist is that he’s doing it all via the very platform he once decried as a potential breeding ground for socialist dance routines. But hey, in a world where a convicted felon can be re-inaugurated President, anything is possible.
All 77 Counties, One Rant at a Time
Given that Trump won all 77 Oklahoma counties again, many outside observers wonder: Who is Walters warning his viewers about? His standard monologue still mentions “coastal elites,” “Soros-funded librarians,” and “subversive teachers,” but to the casual onlooker, Oklahoma remains solidly red.
“Just because 77 counties voted red doesn’t mean the liberal mob can’t creep in,” Walters might say from his parked sedan. “I’ve heard rumors of at least one Prius in town that might be up to no good.”
The logic might be questionable, but the TikTok views are rolling in—apparently, folks can’t resist a fired-up educator filming from the driver’s seat (while not actually driving).
Trump’s Big Day: 34 Convictions & Counting
Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., the country braces for Donald Trump’s second inauguration, overshadowed by the fact that he’s been convicted of 34 felonies—a detail his supporters shrug off with a collective, “So what?” Ironically, many of those supporters are celebrating by posting TikToks decked out in MAGA merch, as if the platform had never been banned in the first place. Hashtags like #FelonFreedom and #Inauguration2ElectricBoogaloo trend, showcasing just how surreal American politics has become.
Walters, never one to miss a good hype train, dedicated one of his parked-car videos to congratulating the twice-president:
“We both know a thing or two about defying the odds. He overcame convictions, I overcame… well, reading-lists gone woke. Together, we’re making America safe from critical thought—uh, I mean, from leftist ideologies.”
Cable News Confusion & Oklahoma Shrugs
Naturally, networks like CNN and MSNBC are having a field day. While some anchors scratch their heads at the legal curiosities of a re-inaugurated felon, others are fixated on Walters’s car cameo. “Is this the future of political outreach?” a CNN pundit wonders. “Parked cars, phone cameras, and that ever-present seatbelt strapped firmly across a starched white shirt—maybe that’s the new fireside chat.”
Back in Oklahoma, locals seem unfazed. After all, they’ve come to expect that every few days, another Walters TikTok will pop up, featuring the same angle of him in the driver’s seat, seatbelt on, but not actually going anywhere.
What’s Next? “Park & Post” Rallies?
If Walters continues his love affair with car-based communications, don’t be shocked if he announces future “Park & Post” rallies—where supporters gather in a lot, each in their own stationary vehicles, collectively denouncing the “woke mob.” Word has it he’s even considering a “Drive-In Policy Talk,” though the irony is he’d insist everyone remain parked for safety.
“No one’s leaving until we’ve canceled at least five more books!” might be the catchphrase of the night.
Conclusion: A Stationary Revolution
Between Trump’s improbable second inauguration and TikTok’s improbable unban, Ryan Walters’s improbable car-based crusade fits right in. Sure, he’s in a vehicle, but he’s definitely not driving while calling out enemies real or imagined. And in this age of political spectacle, maybe staying parked is the safest place to be—right at the intersection of hyperbole and hype.
Disclaimer
This post is satire and is not affiliated with Ryan Walters, the Oklahoma Department of Education, or any real political campaign.