A New Year, A New Crusade: Ryan Walters’ 2025 Kickoff
Happy New Year, Oklahoma! It’s January 1st, 2025, and I, your fearless State Superintendent of Education, am here to ensure we start this year the right way — by doubling down on what matters most: saving Jesus from those woke liberal educators, protecting our kids from rainbow-colored math problems, and making sure every Oklahoma child knows that Israel is our best friend (and always will be).
2024: The Year We Saved Education
Let’s take a moment to reflect on our wins in 2024. From banning books with even a hint of critical thinking to replacing science curricula with “Creationism: The Only Way,” we’ve successfully turned public education into a moral battleground for righteousness. And let’s not forget my crowning achievement: the “No Pronouns, Just Jesus” policy. It’s been wildly successful at protecting kids from the horrors of self-expression.
2025 Goals: Bigger, Better, Holier
This year, I’m raising the bar. Oklahoma deserves more than just an education system — it deserves a holy mission. Here’s what I’m fighting for in 2025:
- Mandatory Morning Prayers
- Starting January 15th, every school day will begin with a prayer led by me, broadcast live from my car. Yes, even if the Wi-Fi is spotty.
- Replacing Cafeteria Food with Manna
- Let’s feed our kids what the Lord provided! Local bread makers, get ready — manna is back on the menu.
- Banning the Rainbow… and Other Dangerous Colors
- Art class should be safe. Effective immediately, any color resembling inclusivity is forbidden. Red, white, and blue are plenty for your palettes.
- Pro-Israel School Fundraisers
- This spring, every PTA will host an “Israel Solidarity Bake Sale.” Proceeds will go directly to supporting field trips to the Holy Land (or at least a replica we’ll build in Tulsa).
- Introducing the Patriot’s Pledge
- Forget the Pledge of Allegiance. Starting this semester, students will recite the Patriot’s Pledge: “I pledge allegiance to Ryan Walters, protector of Jesus and fighter of wokeness, and to the United States of America, under God, without liberals, indivisible, with homeschooling for all.”
The Backseat Chronicles Continue
Some of you might ask, “Ryan, why are all your videos filmed in your car?” Well, let me tell you, the car is where the real work happens. The fast food wrappers, my mobile pulpit, the ever-present nativity scene on the dash — it’s all part of the mission. My Ford Focus is more than a vehicle; it’s a sacred space where freedom fights back.
A Final Word for the Woke
To those who think they can stop this holy train, I say: Good luck! I’ve got Jesus in the passenger seat, Chick-fil-A in the cupholder, and a trunk full of pro-Israel bumper stickers. 2025 is ours, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
God bless Oklahoma, and God save Jesus!
Ryan Walters, State Superintendent of Education