Santa’s New Sidekick?
This holiday season, Ryan Walters isn’t content merely reforming Oklahoma schools—he’s ready to personally don a Santa hat and leap down any chimney if it means saving Christmas from the perceived onslaught of liberal humbugs. Despite juggling his normal duties of editing curriculums and banning suspicious library books, he’s found time to declare himself the official defender of Oklahoma’s Christmas spirit.
“Sure, public education is important,” Walters might say, “but nothing compares to the very real threat of not saying ‘Merry Christmas’ at the grocery store. That’s my line in the snow!”
Tinsel Triumphs over Tolerance
According to Walters, “certain coastal elites” (read: basically anyone outside Oklahoma who doesn’t greet you with a hearty ‘Merry Christmas!’) are out to water down the holiday season with words like “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings.” He vows to champion legislation that recognizes only “Merry Christmas” during the month of December—he even suggested schools could discipline students for giving the “wrong” holiday greeting. Because evidently, nothing says “Yuletide cheer” like forced compliance.
School Hall Decked with Mandatory Cheer
Don’t be surprised if teachers soon receive a mandated “Merry Christmas Curriculum.” Students might be tested on the historical significance of candy canes, the importance of eggnog in American traditions, and the strategic placement of Nativity sets in public buildings.
“Why stop at classrooms?” Walters theorizes. “Courthouses, tollbooths, your cousin’s backyard—nothing is off-limits for a 20-foot Christmas tree. After all, if it’s not visible from space, is it even celebrating?”
Gingebread Policing
Walters also aims to ban any mention of “gingerbread persons,” insisting that the only politically correct cookie is a “gingerbread man.” Rumors swirl he may also push for a “Sugar Cookie Subcommittee,” tasked with verifying that all sprinkles are red and green—no blue or white to suggest that we might be acknowledging other traditions. He believes that kids deserve to see holiday treats that conform to a single color scheme—just like the single narrative he promotes in the classroom.
Social Media Peppermint Fury
Naturally, the wars won’t just be fought in the physical realm. Walters has already begun a barrage of tweets under hashtags like #KeepChristinSchoolPrograms and #StopTheSilentNightSilencing. He’s posted videos of himself singing “O Come, All Ye Faithful” in front of Oklahoma’s State Capitol Christmas tree, brandishing a yardstick candy cane like a scepter of seasonal justice.
CNN & MSNBC Take Note
In recent coverage, CNN and MSNBC pundits expressed “mild confusion” as Walters doubled down on claims of “rampant holiday oppression,” pointing out that most Oklahomans already celebrate Christmas quite openly. The anchors concluded that Walters might be conjuring yet another culture war to distract from more pressing educational issues—like, say, teacher shortages or accurate lesson plans. But hey, who needs real solutions when you can polarize a peppermint latte?
A Final Word from the “Governor in Waiting”
Walters’s supporters cheer on his bold stand for “traditional values”—at least those that can be boiled down to nostalgic holiday TV specials. Critics argue his fixation on controlling how people celebrate (or greet each other) only divides Oklahomans further. But in Walters’s view, if controlling the narrative in the classroom was a triumph, controlling the narrative of the entire holiday season could be his crowning achievement.
“If I can’t force teachers to cheerfully say ‘Merry Christmas’ in the teacher’s lounge,” he might muse, “why bother wearing my Santa hat at all?”
Disclaimer
This post is satire and not affiliated with Ryan Walters, the Oklahoma Department of Education, or any actual gubernatorial campaign. All content is fictional, written for humorous purposes, and any resemblance to real individuals or events is purely coincidental—or perhaps entirely intentional in the spirit of parody. Enjoy the laughs, and Merry (or Happy) Everything!